Gawwwd, THAT was embarrassing!

Can you imagine my astonishment when I walked into another wonderful North Tulsa home for an assessment, and look up on the living room wall to see the EXACT same artwork that I just bought for my home?!





AARGGHHH!!!

I was so angry. I can't believe I let the woman at Kirkland's lead me to believe that my print was a one-of-a-kind.

Man, what a lying bitch.

This Week on HGTV

On this week's edition, we take you into one of Northeast Tulsa's most palatial estates, and show YOU tips from the pros on just what it takes to get YOUR HOUSE noticed. We'll discuss current trends and tips, along with the "what to do's" and "what not to do's" of putting your house on the market and MAKING THE SALE.


(Theme music cue)


First off, one of the most effective and easy ways to get a potential buyer to notice your home is to make sure it's free of clutter and can allow a buyer to envision themselves in your home.....



Also, every morning, make sure the bed is made and that the bedrooms have a general "cozy and warm" feel to them.



When it comes to a sale, it's the little details that make a BIG difference. When you leave for the day, try filling the room with the warm, inviting scent of vanilla or lavender. If these are not available, the scent of 4 day old burned hot dogs festering in their own grease will work, as well



Once again, it's all about the details! Take a little time each day to clean off smudges and fingerprints and make those stainless steel appliances sparkle like new!



And last but not least, give the carpet a "once-over" and remove any year-old fecal stains or lingering vomit traces.



With these tips and a little bit of luck, your house will be sold before you can say, "DESIGNED TO SELL!"

Coming up next,



We show you simple tips to freshen up your flower beds and how to make a fucking crime scene look more inviting.

Careful, Ma'am. You Might Go Brind.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I swear to God, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

It's like the entire neighborhood is the Land That Time Forgot. No one ever seems to be rushing home from their job to meet us for the house assessment in the middle of the day. And I know that not everyone works the night shift at Wal-Mart. I mean, Wal-Mart's a large store, but it can't be that big. The majority of the people seem like they have a routine during the day that WE seem to be interrupting.

Case in point: We arrive at a home. A crazy little Japanese woman answers the door. Her creepy-ass American husband then proceeds to do all of the talking while she tends to matters in the kitchen. He seems bitter they we're offering free home improvements, and like clockwork, starts questioning our motives and looking over the contract with a fine-toothed comb. I'm standing there listening to him spew his retarded logic, and then I notice something behind me.

THIS:



(Yes, no none seemed to notice that I took out my cell phone and took a photo.)



Let's break down the game film of this for a second if you're having trouble understanding. This is an adult Asian woman who seemed very nice, didn't seem like she was mentally challenged or anything.....sitting 2 fucking feet away from a TV console from 1964. Give me ANY other time in your life that this scenario will EVER be presented to you again? Well, guess what. IT WON'T. This fucking neighborhood is the most ridiculous place I've ever encountered. It would blow my mind if she didn't turn it to Sponge Bob as soon as we left the house.

....Yeah.....I'm a Pretty Big Deal Down at Magoo's

At no point during last week's inspections did I plan on arriving at the house of one Fast Eddie Felson, winner of the 1978 Q-Spot Invitational......




Holy hell.

Huh?

Honestly.......the best part about doing C&S Houses, is that I can't make this shit up if I tried.



Just in case you're confused, let me clarify. That's a serving tray. Not just any serving tray, but a tarnished, old-timey serving tray. On top of that tray, there is a salt shaker. Next to it, is a little container of spreadable butter. Behind the tray is a loaf of generic white bread. Oh, yeah. And on the tray is also 2 pieces of RAW FUCKING CHICKEN. One of which looks like it's been attacked already.

So now it's time to guess as to who the home owner was where this photo was taken.



OR



OR



Yup. You guessed it. It was the Crazy Old Lady. Shocking, isn't it.

Just When I Thought I Was Out...

...They PULL...ME...BACK...IN.


All I wanted to do was make a living supporting my family. I grew up knowing the difference between wrong and right, but I had no choice in the matter as time went on. I have to accept the fact that this is my destiny.




I am the Goddamn Michael Corleone of Northeast Tulsa.

Every time I feel like I'm in the clear, and I'm officially out of the "Mob" known as C&S, those Mother F'ers call our office and need another round of assessments. We do our damndest to try and find someone to hire to spare me of my misery for just a while...And really, who would have thought that signing an apparently LIFE-LONG contract with the Airport Authority and C&S would have really lasted so damn long.

Seriously, you fuck tards, that neighborhood is NOT that large. How could we STILL be doing houses after God-knows how many years? Really? AAARGGHH. FUCK.

But honestly, who wouldn't want to work in this for an 11-hour day?





So.....yes, I was subjected to another round of houses last week.
The good news: I only did them for 2 days.
The bad news: I had to do them for 2 days.

It's okay. They welcomed me back as only they could.



That photo is kind of a metaphor for the entire neighborhood. Someone is trying to flush out the neighborhood like water, but the white trash just WON'T let it happen........like an ash tray blocking the drain.

And kiss my ass for even trying to amuse me with the "Pro Health" toothpaste on the edge of the sink. There's a reason that tube looks untouched. Because it fucking is.

Writers Block for a Non-Writer

I've received a few editorials lately that I haven't written anything too exciting in awhile. Well, first off, we hired someone again to do the Airport Houses for our company. That meant I was off the hook and could concentrate on the job I was actually hired to do. It's refreshing to know you're actually doing what you were hired for, instead of being paid to wallow in shit all day on East Independence.

Now, don't get me wrong, just because I'm not involved in assessing crap all day doesn't mean that my life with Gunrack is suddenly a Yawn-fest. It's still so action packed, it would make you want to vom......



The problem is, most of the time, I lose interest in writing any of this crap down. My writing attention span is that of a 2-year old. I didn't know that stories about cockroaches and retards at Subway would be so enthralling. It's really put pressure on me. I wonder if Hemmingway had this issue after writing his first blog about fat people at Chessecake Factory?



See, here's the problem. I'm not a writer. I know, shocking, isn't it. I like to complain about white trash, how ridulcous most people are in public and usually have to use photo illustrations as a crutch.
Plus, I like to make sure the story is somewhat interesting. I can't think of anything worse than someone whos "blog" consists of nothing but surveys and crappy stories about how wonderful their children are.

So for awhile, I figure the best method is to just start discussing the normal conversations that Gunrack and I have on a daily basis. She's my wife for a reason. We work well together making conversation pieces.

So for today, I'll leave you with something we talk about pretty much every time we go to Cain's.

The people that show up to concerts......yeah, what the fuck do they during the day? Seriously. I never see these fucktards anywhere, and they suddenly show up in drones every time a show rolls in to town?



I mean, there are only so many Food Pyramids, so where do the other 75% of these assholes work?

Absense

Yeah, I know, I know.......I haven't given out any good tidbits lately about Airport Houses.

Sorry....My other "real" job has been keeping me busy. These womens shoes aren't gonna sell themselves. Am I right, or am I right?! Ahhhh.......get outta here

Do Yourself a Favor.

Gunrack and I discovered something when we went to Mexico. It was something I had a sneaking suspicion about after doing Airport houses for a long ass time and tended to just ignore it. But after the trip, it became impossible to ignore.

Americans are fucking retarded.



I could spend the rest of the day listing reasons why American tourists are fucking retarded, but one stood out to me at the Airport.

So for anyone reading this, do yourself a favor.

When you're standing waiting for your bags to come around on the conveyor so you can pick them up and head back to your trailer park in Nowata County, stand back from the conveyor about 6 feet. There is nothing better than standing behind a sea of idiots that stand right up against the carousel waiting for their Hello Kitty suitcase and you can barely see yours. And THEN you have to practically push them out of the way in order to grab a suitcase that's half the size of their fat ass. And they seem inconvenienced that you ask them to move, only so they can stand there like a fucktard for another 10 minutes waiting on theirs.

So here's a novel approach: if everyone stood about 6 feet away, then when your bag comes whizzing by, you can easily move forward, grab your bags and then get the fuck out of everyones way. Now I know that the bags move at an incredible amount of speed and it's very tricky to hold your 3 children in one hand and try and grab a bag zooming by at 30 mph, but please............just give it a try.

I can't count the number of times I've stood at a conveyor belt and watched a bunch of hillbillies crowd around each other fighting for a spot at the front like a bunch of hogs at feeding time to watch NOTHING.



Yup, that's you, conveyor pig.

Time To Play Catch-Up

....back from Mexico.

....still (somehow) doing the Goddamn Airport House inspections, just not this week.

....and it just occurred to me just how long I've been doing these miserable inspections. It's like a neverending visit by an annoying relative that insists on coming to visit every 5 months for the last 2 years.

But the point being, is that I realized how many photos I had that I took before this glorious blog came to fruition. And here's the deal: I had to visit these piles of shame in person, so now you have to suffer through a string of photos describing the worst of the worst.

3.)Honorable Mention: The Chevy Astro-tard





Semi-truthful conversation that occurred when we showed up at this home:

Us: So......who decorated the, uh, car?

Crazy Old Guy: Ohhh.....my wife did that a while back, and she seemed to like it, so I guess we just kept it.

Us: Was she retarded?

2.)Runner-Up: Trying to Mold A Healthy Lifestyle





I used to wonder to myself why people in the neighborhood were always coughing? I stand corrected. Let me take this opportunity to reiterate something. Just because you're fucking poor doesn't mean you have to be fucking filthy. Homeless people have an excuse: They have no fucking house. You, you piece of garbage, have no reason that your walls should look like that. Holy fuck, a gigantic vein of anger just popped out of my forehead.

1.)First Place Winner: The S.S. You've Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me

Holy Hell, I had completely forgotten about this house until I looked through the archives. Where the hell do I start?



Yes.....in technical terms, that's the hallway looking right up into the goddamn attic. Brilliant.



This is a fine detail above the kitchen entrance. I honestly feel that a home's character lies in it's details. I once saw on HGTV that a simple way to cut down on utility bills and to prevent water damage in your kitchen was to FIX THE GODDAMN MASSIVE HOLE IN YOUR HALLWAY, YOU FUCKTARD.

And the motherload:



Just in case you don't see it, that's a HOT TUB in the living room. They have no ceiling in the hallway, yet have a HOT TUB in living room. And it obviously looks like it's used quite frequently. I think I see a dead body somewhere underneath all of the junk. So we walk into this house, see a HOT TUB, and ask the guy why he has a hot tub in the living room. His answer? "Well......it wouldn't fit in any of the other rooms?"

You pretty much just walk away after that.

Until he lets us know that they also had trouble keeping it clean and they need to "let the water out of it soon." Oh......so there's been water in that there HOT TUB in your living room for years.....

Oh, and why not, you know? Why not have a festering tub of tepid swamp water sit in your living space for a long period of time. You're obviously not concerned with much of fucking anything.

I'll go ahead and mention that we didn't end up adding this house to the assessment list due to the excessive cockroach problem.

Oh, and one more thing. The wife of the house was late for the appointment because she was "running late at the hospital." Yep. This wonderfully immaculate house is the home of someone in the nursing industry.

So enjoy your next tetanus shot, good sir. And be sure to have the nurse go ahead and put on another pair of gloves. Trust me. Then kill me.

Hold My Calls, Gringos.

Gunrack and I are officially packed for Mexico. We have our urban sombreros and burro feed, and will be back June 2nd.



So you, my pretties, will have to wait a few weeks until I can update you on the most recent house assessment visits. But they're worth the wait. They involve a cardboard box used as an area rug and rabbit ears on a television that are bigger than most small countries. Yeah......just another week in the shitter.

That's Gold, Jerry! GOLD!

Let's see........

The most spectacular Rick Astley song of all time? check.

Rick Roll has been around for awhile on the World Wide Ultra Web. If you're not familiar with it, look it up. I'd explain it, but my name is not Juan Wikipedia. (Although, it would be awesome if it was)

I just stumbled upon 2 videos for which I have not seen before, and they are all I would hope they would be.



.....If only this had really happened. The world would have been a better place.

Unfortunately, this next spectacle really did happen. Continue to do the Lord's work, Mr. Zonday........



Thank God I'm getting a vacation next week. These posts are becoming ridiculous.